Trans Thoughts - 22/04/15

My counsellor really liked the idea of me writing my thoughts down to help me sort through some of my feelings. I’ve been hand-writing them until now, but if I type them up here it’ll probably help me organise and process them a bit better. There’s no particular order to my thoughts, no theme or requirement that they make sense. Just what I’m feeling today, or what’s been on my mind. Sometimes they even contradict each other. So it goes.

  • My partner (A) is coming home Sunday morning. One part of me is really happy and looking forward to having my best friend and soulmate back by my side. The other part of me is absolutely terrified. Dreading it.
  • I’m dreading it for two reasons - the first is that as far as A is concerned I’m a boy, and with her return I’ll lose all the quite alone moments where I can just be myself and put back on this costume or facade I’ve lived behind for so long.
  • Before I came out to anyone, it felt so easy to just ‘be a boy’ because I’d never known anything else. Now that I know what it feels like to be myself, not some act, I don’t know how I can go back to that.
  • The second reason is that sometime very soon I have to come out to her.
  • On the one hand, I’m very excited to share this part of myself with A, and to finally be able to be honest with someone in my life about my feelings, rather than translating them into “normal”.
  • On the other hand, I don’t know how to tell her. Or how she’ll take it. I’ve practiced over and over saying it - “A, I am transgender. A, I am transgender. A, I am transgender.” and so on - and yet I still don’t know how.
  • She is the most accepting, loving, loyal person I’ve known - having her in my life has improved me as a human being beyond measure. I shouldn’t doubt her, shouldn’t think that she would be judgemental or reject me. I have no reason to.
  • But fear doesn’t work that way.
  • Sometimes I feel like it will be easy. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world.
  • The above accounts for about 75% of every thought I’ve had since I last wrote.
  • I can’t wait to get home tomorrow and put my new dress on. Spending this week in a suit and tie has been more much difficult than usual.
  • When I first started this journey (less than a month ago, would you believe?!) transitioning seemed impossible, unreachable. Something else I’d have to compromise on in a life already defined by its compromises. Now, it’s all I want to do.
  • Take a year or two off, build a little cocoon of a life somewhere where nobody knows me as a boy, transform myself and come out the other side as a butterfly
  • It’s not that simple, nor should it be. But just reading and hearing stories of others who have/are transitioned/ing and seeing the results gives me so much incredible hope. To see photos of transwomen looking as radiant and beautiful and happy as I’d like to be is bittersweet, but still more sweet than bitter.
  • Surreal conversations happening all the time now. So many “if only you knew” moments.
  • Will I ever truly pass as a woman? Could I ever feel included and welcome in a women’s space, if I transitioned? All these ‘what ifs’.
  • And yet, would life as an ‘incomplete’ woman be worse than life as a fake man? No. It can’t be.
  • I turn 23 on Friday. This last year was the best of my life - a nice time to remember my false boyhood by. Friday will be the start of my second, true life.
  • My next counselling session is also on Friday. My birthday present to myself is to spend an hour being ‘me’ in the presence of someone who genuinely sees me as a woman.
  • Last week, as I was leaving, my counsellor said “take care, Laura”. I cannot describe the feeling of wholeness and completeness that comes with being called your true name. I could feel my soul glowing.
  • I’m still hopeful. Still positive. Still strong enough to do this. Still scared, but still determined.
  • Practice makes Laura
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