This week has been a bit of a mixed bag with some highs and some lows, but I’m pretty sure the recent hectic-ness of my family and work life is colouring my perception of this week somewhat. All in all, I’m still feeling super positive and optimistic, but I’ve also felt a bit run-down and like the week is catching up to me, so the smile that has been all-but-permanently fixed to my face since I came out has faded once or twice.
As a recap of my general life, on Saturday my partner and I made the long trip down to London for my cousin’s wedding - which was absolutely fantastic! We had a lovely time and my partner finally was able to meet the last remaining members of my extended family she hadn’t met before. The wedding was very tasteful and elegant, and the reception afterwards featured some of the best food and cocktails a girl could wish for! We danced until midnight, and then made the long and hungover trip back up north on Sunday morning, thoroughly exhausted by still buzzing :)
Sunday was a bit of a lazy day, although we did go out for a little shopping, mainly to buy make up and some shoes for moi! When we got home, I couldn’t wait to pretty myself up for the very first time! Monday was a bank holiday, so no work! Instead, we slept in, then watched Kimmy Schmidt all day before going out - we went to a very popular LGBTQ club in town to see the glorious American Apparel Ad Girls, a.k.a Alaska Thunderfuck, Willam Belli, and Courtney Act!!
I’ve seen a few members of the Rupaul’s Drag Race alumni over the years, but I’ve never been as excited as I was to see these three gorgeous queens! Let me tell you, Courtney Act is seriously unclockable in person - she is absolutely beautiful! She even made eye contact and waved at me!! My partner and I both had to lift our jaws off the floor a few times, but we definitely weren’t the only ones since the club was packed!
However, the lovely AAA girls weren’t the main reason why Monday night was special. The main reason was that it was my very first step out of the house presenting as a woman!! I did all my make-ups, shaved my legs, put on a sexy wiggle dress and my wig and went out to strut my stuff! I never used to understand what appeals to people about going to clubs and bars - I’ve always felt awkward and out of place and unsure of myself - but now I totally get it! I had so much freaking fun, and felt like I could really let my hair down (even though I made sure it stayed firmly in place!). I’m sure I totally read as a man in a dress, but I felt like a woman, like myself, and for the first time all of my insecurities and self-consciousness just melted away like snow and I just didn’t care how other people saw me. I danced and wiggled my hips and generally had the time of my life!
Sadly, ‘real life’ reared its ugly head Tuesday morning - we were out until 3am and I had to wake up at 5:30am to leave for work! Through a series of train cancellations and delays what should have been a bearable 3 hour commute turned into a 6 hour ordeal, and by noon all the euphoria of the night before had been replaced with tiredness and annoyance. I’m feeling a lot better today though, much more ‘up’, but I’m still so so tired!
Anyway, that’s been my week so far. I have a few thoughts I wanna put down before my next counselling session tomorrow, so here goes:
- The wedding was the first time I’ve been around any of my extended family since I started coming out, and since I haven’t told anyone besides my partner and my best friend it was sort of a surreal scenario. I felt a kind of sadness thinking that my relationship with them may change, and almost guilt that things would change because of me.
- However, being around everyone really confirmed my belief that I have a very supporting and accepting family, particularly in my generation of cousins. I’m not afraid to come out to them.
- I think my biggest obstacle to going full time is work - I probably am in the most supportive and protective environment in a corporate sense, but my role is almost entirely client-facing and I worry that directors won’t want me on their project teams if I can’t present in a way that makes people feel comfortable.
- I know I shouldn’t think that way or pay any mind to whether people are comfortable with me, but I enjoy my job and don’t want to lose that if things get awkward.
- Part of the latent anxiety I’m feeling these days comes from the fact that I’ve really just plunged straight into this, when I’m usually the kind of gal who likes to look before I leap, or better yet find a ladder or some stairs so I can take it gradually. The little fearful ‘me’ in the back of my mind is still overcoming the shock of me having done something without consulting her first.
- It feels pretty great, actually, to have proof that I can be brave.
- I know my therapist wants to use tomorrow’s session to talk about some non-trans things, in particular the car accident I was in a few years ago that I know still affects me. It’s been almost 5 years, but I still haven’t talked to anyone other than my partner about it.
- I’m a bit nervous because I don’t really know how I’m going to feel - I just sort of buried all the emotional fallout somewhere in the back of my mind, and it’s only come up when I’ve been triggered by something.
- But my therapist is so freaking amazing and kind that I know she’ll help me if I have a tough session.
- I’m slowly learning that fear can’t hurt me - that I need to stop conflating it with actual pain. My previous workplace was a company that did a lot of motivational events, and one book they always stocked was called “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway”. I never read it, but the title has become a little mantra of mine when I feel nervous or worried.
- My therapist must think I’m such a vain little madam, since I only ever seem to talk about my strengths and accomplishments - I don’t do it to brag, but more to not let myself feel negative or inadequate. I’d rather focus on what I am and am going to be, not who I was or what’s in the past.
- I’m already starting to see all the layers of masculinity I’ve built up start to wash away. It’s so much easier for me to just interact with people now that I’m not focused on projecting a certain persona - even just the change from mumbling a low “thanks” in a coffee shop to smiling and giving a cheery “thank you!” adds a little spark of positivity to my day, and I feel so much more authentic for doing it :)
- It’s Election Day today in the UK, and I’m really excited to vote for the first time ever! Nobody has asked me if I know who I’m voting for - probably because my family already knows I’m a loony lefty! I must be strange kind of person to love national elections as much as I do :)
- Last weekend for going out I shaved my beard for the first time in literally two years (obv. I’ve trimmed it, but not fully shaved) and I’d forgotten just how much that SUCKS! I’ve had a bright red razor burn on my neck since Monday, so I’ve bought all the fanciest pre- and post-shave products the drugstore had to offer and hopefully next time it won’t be quite as bad!
- I’ve been practicing my voice a bit and watching some helpful videos on YouTube, and although I’m definitely too self-conscious to try it out with anyone just yet, it’s been really lovely to hear myself sounding more feminine.
Well, this has been a longer post than I was expecting! It’s nice to get my thoughts down and share them with everyone :) Thanks for reading (if you didn’t just tl;dr the above!)